Tag: values - Page 3 - We Get There By Walking

A Reflection for Confirmation Sunday

Last Monday evening was not the first time.
And, I trust, even hope, it will not be the last time.
Something you said to Kathy and to me last Monday struck home and made me stop and think. It took a little while for what you said to sink in, but eventually it did. Here is what I heard in our conversation together as we wrapped up the year and talked about our time together in Confirmation. One of the things you appreciated was the opportunity to think and to talk about the topics and ideas we did.
About how we imagine and think about and talk about God?
And about where and how Christianity fits in with other religious traditions.
And where all that fits in with your life.
And, about the values connected to our faith and the values which are important to you?
And, about what those values mean for how we live?
For how you treat others.
And for how you make decisions and think about the world in which we live?
I get all that.
That is what Kathy and I hope Confirmation is about.

But then you added this.
What you said to us is there are not very many, if any, other times or places in your life where those type of topics come up and are openly and honestly talked about – values, faith, what you believe, what is important to you. Times and places where you have an opportunity and the challenge to put words around what you are thinking and feeling and to listen to others do the same. And, while fitting one more thing into your schedule of school and homework and sports and whatever else was sometimes hard, I had the sense that, for the most part, you found the conversations we had important and meaningful.

Which brings me to this.
A thousand times in the next several years, people are going to ask you what you think you might like to do. What classes you might like to take? What college you may want to attend. What career you might want to pursue? But, few people, if any, will ask you, with the same level of seriousness and interest, what type of person you want to be?
Kind.
Compassionate.
Caring.
Giving.
Faithful.
Someone who makes a difference.
Someone who does their best to do what is right even when doing the right thing is hard.
Then, having asked you that first question, ask you what you need to learn and where you are going to go to practice so those qualities and characteristics and values become more and more a part of your life.

Our conversation last Monday made me think about this.
Maybe that is why you found Confirmation meaningful.
We talked about things you don’t have a chance to talk about anywhere else.
Maybe behind our drawing pictures of God and your being encouraged to read the Bible more as poetry than a textbook and talking about what it means to believe in something…
Maybe behind all those conversations was the question…
What type of person do you want to be?
What are you going to believe in/put your trust in that is going to guide and to shape your life?
What values will be important to you no matter what profession you chose to pursue?
For me, all the things we talked about – God and Jesus and faith and church – all have something to do with how you and I respond to those questions.

So, let me leave you with this.
The verses from the Bible I selected for this morning which Olivia read a moment ago are about our being the light of the world. You being the light of the world. So, whatever ever else you do – business person, teacher, race car driver, athlete, dancer, whatever – work on being that. A light to others.

Live So The Preacher Doesn’t Have to Lie at Your Funeral

In the last two months I have had four funeral or memorial services.
More than I sometimes have in a year.
Such moments are not only a time to remember and to give thanks for the life and witness of the person who has died, but to step back and glance at my own life, as well. Then there was the post which Kathy DiBiasi wrote on our parenting blog about the imprint we leave on the lives of others. And, this morning there are the Bibles out on a table in Fellowship Hall. Bibles, which in a couple of weeks, we will be giving to the children who participated in our Bible class this spring. Bibles in which you are invited and encouraged to add one of your favorite verses as a reminder to them (and to you) about what it looks like to be a follower of Jesus. Finally there was the op-ed piece which a college student sent to me via Facebook along with a message in which she expressed her gratitude to this congregation for the part it played in helping to shape values which continue to be important in her life. Any time I get something like that from a college student or young adult it serves as a confirmation that we are doing or have done something right.

Oh…
And, there is one more thing.
The bumper sticker I saw years ago which read:
Live so the preacher won’t have to lie at your funeral.

So, my reflection this morning is something of a fruit basket upset.
The result of a random collection of moments over the last couple months all of which lean in the same direction. Let me do my best to pull it together and put it to you this way. If you could only have three words used at your funeral or engraved on your headstone to sum up your life, what would you want those three words to be? Think about it for a moment because I will eventually get back to this question.

The op-ed piece which the college student sent me was a essay written by David Brooks adapted from his book The Road to Character. In his essay he writes:
It occurred to me there were two sets of virtues, the resume virtues and the eulogy virtues. The resume virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral – whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of great love…We all know that eulogy virtues are more important than resume ones. But our culture and our educational systems spend more time teaching skills and strategies you need for career success than qualities you need to radiate that sort of inner light. Many of us are clearer about how to build an external career than on how to build inner character.
Let that last sentence sink in for a moment.

Brooks goes on in his essay and, at one point, uses a term I had not heard before.
Moral vocabulary.
A language we use to talk about character and virtue and morals and ethics.
A language we use often enough it becomes a normal part of our living and speaking.
A language we use so often it shapes who we are and how we act.
Which makes me wonder…
Do you have one?
Do we have one?
A moral vocabulary?
Foundational concepts or values around which we do our best to build our lives and our households and our community and our country? Foundational concepts which our children come to understand because it is just a part of who we are? Foundational concepts which our friends and co-workers know because they know us?

And, more than that, not just the vocabulary…
The words we say and understand, but the courage and the resolve to put those words into practice. To incarnate those words. To model in our lives what those words look like in ever day human interaction?
In our homes.
In our offices.
In our schools.
On the Village sidewalks and on the city streets.
Kindness and compassion and justice and peace and courage and whatever other words you might link to the essential elements of your faith or would like to have remembered about you and inscribed on your tombstone.

This is not to say resume values are unimportant. We all have a responsibility to do our best to provide for our families and to do our jobs responsibly and well. But, if we are honest with ourselves and with each other, it is easy for resume values and eulogy values to fall out of balance.

I am sure there are other ways to do it, but this place…
This particular and peculiar gathering of God’s people is one way.
Maybe that unbalance or that desire for balance is a part of the reason you are here.
Or maybe like me, you need to be reminded, again, of those words and ideas we don’t often hear in the vocabulary of the marketplace. Or, maybe there is some tug on your life or some unsettledness deep within you which tells you there is something more and this may be a place and this may be the moment for that more to move a bit closer to the surface or a bit closer to the center of your life.

Treat others as you would like to be treated.
To be with and around those doing their best to find that way which leads to Life with a capital L. A life which is meaningful and purposeful as well as successful.
That reminder we are to nurture a sense of gratitude which extends into our daily living amidst the wonder and complexity and challenge of the world as it is.
That challenge to ask and to answer that age old question, “Who is my neighbor?”

Some time ago now, as a generation was passing away, following funeral services I would walk through Bedford Union Cemetery on Clinton Rd. with those who were still alive. Marie Worden. Babe Swenson. Fanny Mazurak. Marge Hall. As we walked, they would point out the names on the headstones and tell stories and make family connections. I enjoyed those moments. But, you know what? In all my walking through cemeteries never once have I seen on a headstone inscribed with the job someone had. Banker. Broker. Carpenter. Business Owner. Millionaire. Multi-millionaire. I have only seen written in stone who they were. Father. Mother. Husband. Wife. Son. Daughter. Beloved. Loving. Giving. Kind.

Here is my suggestion to you.
In your bulletin you will find a notecard.
And, if you don’t have one, others are at either on the stand at the back or the table by the side door. here are also cups of pencils in the pew.
Today, before you go, write down the three words you would like others to use when they talk about you at your funeral. Then, take your note card home and put it someplace where you will see it each day.
Bathroom mirror.
Refrigerator door.
Carry it around in your purse or your wallet.
So that in the midst of what you do and all you do those three words may be that daily reminder of who you want to be so you learn to live following in the way of Jesus and so the preacher won’t have to lie at your funeral.

Counter-Cultural Christianity

When I was growing up it was no big deal to say you were Christian.
Everyone I knew said that.
Everyone.
And, Christianity was easy.
It meant showing up for worship at 11:00 on a Sunday morning.
And, maybe showing up or helping out your church in some other way.
Everyone I knew did that.
Everyone.
It is not like that now.
Far from it.
Now there are more people not here than are here.
Maybe even more people who say they are not Christian than readily and openly admit they are.

More and more, it seems…
To show up on a Sunday morning for worship;
To be a part of an intentional community which gathers;
To invest time and energy and something of self to feed those who are hungry or to shelter those who have no place be or to speak up on behalf of those who have no little or no voice;
To make a conscience decision to set aside some portion of your income for something more than household bills or personal use;
All because of what you believe or the values that grow out of your faith tradition is an intentional decision; a counter-cultural decision in a way it has not been for a VERY long time.

In many ways this shift from then to now is hard for us for whom church has been an important part of our lives for nearly everything about who we are and how we do what we do is based on a way of being that is no longer the norm and no longer understood or valued or accepted by the larger community.
But, if we can begin to let go of what was
(which, if we are honest, was often more cultural than Christian);
If we can to begin to find a new way…
And, if we can do it well…
What emerges might be a powerful and important witness for the deepest and best values to which we, as human beings, can aspire.
Compassion.
Kindness.
Community.
Justice.
Equality.
Peace.
Values which are desperately needed if we are ever going to find a way to live together.

Reminders

(This week’s quote.)

Several years ago, at the insistence of three young adults, I started sending out a weekly quote to an ever growing list of high school students, college students and young adults. The idea grew out of conversations we shared as we sat on the floor of a church in Buchanan County, Virginia. We were there for a week working each day helping to repair the homes of neighbors who lived in the surrounding hollars. While the work we did was important, what was equally important were the conversations we had each evening. Conversations which focused on faith and community and responsibility and what I think is Jesus’ most provocative question: Who is my neighbor? Sometimes the springboard for our evening conversations was a quote selected by a member of the group who shared it with everyone in the morning and then helped to launch our conversations in the evening. On our way home from that trip, these young adults said to me, “You have to find a way to help us continue to the conversation.” which led to the weekly quote I send out.

Of course the conversation doesn’t continue in the same way it does when you are all in one confined space sharing a similar experience and thoughts and ideas are tossed back and forth across the room. Now the group is spread out across the country and, at times, around the world, but the conversation does continue. From me here to you there. In local high schools. On college campuses. In New York and California and Washington, DC. It continues each time any one of us pauses for a moment to be reminded of values and hopes and dreams which are sometimes forgotten in the day-in, day-out routines and responsibilities of life, but which stand at the very center of who we are.

Which leads me to this.
We all need those reminders.
And to be a part of those life shaping conversations.
Once a week.
Every day.
A moment ago.
A moment from now.
So, in the off chance you are a bit like me with a tendency to get distracted or to forget:
This question:
Where will you find your next reminder?

Family. What’s Your Policy?

Those of you who have been here for any length of time know that the inspiration for my Sunday morning reflections come not only the Bible and from what I understand of the Biblical witness, but also from the headlines in the news and from the books I am reading and…from the commercials I see on TV. I like watching the commercials. They provide a lens through which I catch a glimpse of the culture in which we live and the values that compete for our loyalty. As I watch commercials I pay attention less to what they are trying to sell and more to the assumptions and the values behind what they say and show.

One commercial has a tag line which has caught my attention. It is the commercial for the Liberty Mutual Insurance Company which ends their commercials with this: Responsibility. What’s Your Policy? I am not a Liberty Mutual customer, and, I don’t know whether they are a more responsible company than any other insurance company, but I like the tagline. And, I have found myself thinking about the question they ask.
As a Christian…
As a pastor…
To the extent that I am seen as a leader in the community…
As a parent…
As a spouse…
As a son…
What is my policy when it comes to how I live and to what I do and to the choices I make? And, because I have been thinking about it, I decided it might be worth it to think out loud about it with all of you. So for the next three Sunday’s I decided to plunge into three different topics:
Family.
Integrity.
The Common Good.
And, to borrow the tag line from Liberty Mutual and ask, “What is your policy?”

So, this morning, as we think about families, two readings from two very different sources, but which speak with a similar voice. First, this verse from the book of Proverbs which is a collection of short saying and teachings found in Hebrew Scripture. Reading from Eugene’s Patterson’s paraphrase version of the Bible:
Point your kids in the right direction – when they’re old they won’t be lost. (22:6)
And, then this…
From a speech President Obama gave on Father’s Day a couple years ago. President Obama was speaking particularly to fathers, but I have changed it slightly so it speaks to all of us as parents.
“Here’s the key message I think all of us want to send to [parents] all across the country: Our children don’t need us to be superheroes. They don’t need us to be perfect. The do need us to be present. They need us to show up and give it our best shot, no matter what else is going on in our lives. They need us to show them – not just with words, but with deeds – that they, those kids, are always our first priority. Those family meals, afternoons in the park, bedtime stories; the encouragement we give, the questions we answer, the limits we set, the example we set of persistence in the face of difficulty and hardship – those things add up over time, and they shape a child’s character, build their core, teach them to trust in life and to enter into it with confidence and with hope and with determination.” (Promoting Responsible Fatherhood, June 21, 2010)
Point your child in the right direction…

I am not sure I realized it at the time.
At least not enough to put into words.
Maybe I was just too busy doing it or life was too full for me, like it often is for you, to really stop long enough to think about it, but looking back on it now I realize that once Shodie and I decided to have children my most important job was to be a parent.
It was more important than being a pastor.
More important than serving on a committee or being a volunteer board member.
More important than my endless To Do list and the countless meetings I added to my calendar.
But, sometimes I confused my priorities and it took someone else to remind me of my responsibility. I remember a conversation I had with Phil Bailey probably 10 years ago or so. Having said yes to too many things and so finding myself rushing around like crazy, I was torn between what just had to get done and leaving work a bit early to watch my son play in a high school soccer game. Phil happened to be walking through the church at that time and stopped to ask how I was. With a smile, I hope, I responded. He replied saying something like this:
“You have maybe a half dozen more times to watch your son play soccer. The church will be here when you get back.”
He left and I left to go watch my son play soccer.
While I can’t be Phil Bailey what I can do is offer this reminder.
For those of you who are parents remember what your most important job really is.
Write it down.
Tape it next to your calendar as a reminder so you see it as you fill in dates.
Tape it to the mirror in your bathroom so you see it when you get up and before you go to bed.
Put it on your refrigerator door.
Write it down and put it where you will see it and so be reminded because I know that in the push and pull of life and work and trying to figure out life for ourselves, it is easy to forget or to allow other pressures to push job one to second, third or fourth place.

And to that, add this.
Repeated studies indicate that in households that regularly have dinner together children are healthier and happier and more well-adjusted. Knowing that to be true, I worry about parents who, too often, have to be out the door in the morning before their children are up and who take the late train home arriving just in time to kiss children good night. Or, who allow emails or phone calls that just have to be responded to interrupt book reading or soccer games or a walk together.
How many of you have smart phones?
As you think about job one and how you spend your time consider this.
A recent article in the Harvard Business Review sighted a survey of nearly 500 executives, managers and professionals and found that those who carry smart phones are connected to their jobs 13.5 or more hours/day, and about 5 hours on weekends for a total of about 70 hours a week.
70 hours!
Which means there is less time for those dinners together or walks together or playing a game together. Yet, it is those activities – dinners, walks, games – which create the time and space for conversations to take place and for sharing to happen. Conversations, that if you begin them at age 5 or 6, come to feel normal and may be more needed at 15 or 16 than they were at 5 or 6.

And, on a larger scale…
Knowing what we do about the hard work it takes to keep families together and to raise healthy children, and how stable families and healthy children benefits not only our individual families, but also our communities in both the short term and the long term, I wonder…
Can we shape or reshape our culture, including our corporate culture, to reflect what we know. To the extent that we are decision makers at some level in the places where we work, what if we modeled family first behavior and let co-workers know that you were leaving work a bit early or turning off your phone for a while because you had committed to spend time with your son or your daughter? And, what would happen if a co-worker’s child had a sporting event or a concert or was receiving a special recognition and you told them to go home because parenting was a priority?
What would happen?
I am sure some would probably abuse the opportunity.
But, most, I think, would not.
And, I wonder about the difference it might make.

And, finally this…
For most, if not all of us, our homes are usually the most formative places in our lives.
It is where your children learn about relationships.
And about how those who say they love each other actually treat each other.
It is where your children learn about values.
About how adults treat children.
And, how children are to treat each other.
About how what we say matches what we do.
And, about who we are and how we are in relation to the larger communities in which we live.
Home is where we learn what it means to face and to solve problems.
And, how to handle challenges and hardships.
And, what it means to celebrate accomplishments together.
All of that, and more, happens each day around your dinner table.
And, each evening when you carve out time to talk about their day and about yours.

“Point your kids in the right direction,” the sage reminds us.
“So, when they are old they won’t be lost.”
Family.
What’s your policy?

The Other Question

This Sunday, in the church where I am the pastor, we will recognize graduating high school seniors. I have known these young adults for most, if not all, their lives. We have worked together and played together and learned together and, sometimes, cried together. While this Sunday will not be the last time I interact with them, the reality is that as they make the transition from high school to college my contact with them will be less rather than more. So, I have been thinking about what I would like to say to them on Sunday. Here is what I have found myself thinking about.

As they approach graduation and get ready for the college, the question they will be asked is: What do you plan to study? What do you imagine yourself doing? As I thought about it, it occurred to me there is another equally important question: Who do you want to be? No matter what you study or what you end up doing professionally, what type of person do you want to be. That, it seems to me, is a question of values and character and purpose. It is also a deeply religious question.

As I thought about it more and began writing out what I would like to say, I realized it is a question I need to ask myself as well.
What type of person do I want to be?
Being the type of person I am I tend to focus on tasks.
What needs done?
What is the next thing on the list?
Check it off and move on to the next task.
Much of the time that is useful, but not always.
So, today I am going to do my best to ask the other question:
What type of person do I want to be today?
And, to do my best to live towards being that type of person.

Tags

Several things I believe: