I visited my Mom this week.
Her life is winding down.
I sat by the side of her bed and we talked.
Small talk about the weather.
Remembering trips we took as a family.
Asking if she would like a sip of water.
In the silence between the conversations her gaze would be someplace else and I would look at her wondering where she was and what she was thinking. When I interrupted the silence and asked, her eyes would refocus on me and she would seemed surprised by the question. “I was just looking at the blankets stacked on the chair.” She said.
While I will never know
I hope, in those moments, she is someplace else.
Someplace beyond her hospital style bed.
Someplace beyond the walls of the skilled nursing facility which is now her home.
I hope she is someplace surrounded by the memories of my Dad.
And, the love they shared.
And, the years they had together.
And, their standing together to meet the challenges and joy of raising three sons and going to college and receiving degrees and fashioning careers and providing for their family.
I hope she is surrounded by memories of her children and grandchildren and her great-grandson. I hope their voices and laughter and presence fill her heart.
I hope she is lost in the love which surrounds her.
John hagedorn says
February 10, 2018 at 1:43 pmSo sincere and present
Where mom is we will never really know
She might not be able to even give it words
It is where she is centered at the moment and I hope too that it is a place of love
Your presence of love toward her is felt and known even if she only talks about stacks of blankets
So often it is not words but simple presence. Just being there that is important
In my hospice work I know hearing is there until the end and that there is some mystical presence that the other knows and lives and rests in
Peace
Paul Alcorn says
February 10, 2018 at 3:05 pmThank you John.
In those moments when I was just siting with her I was trusting that presence was enough.
I know it in my head. Was focused on moving that knowledge to my heart.
Anne says
February 12, 2018 at 8:56 pmIt’s so hard near the end to know what to say. Just being there, the heart speaks where words cannot. With their eyes closed, I didn’t know where my parents were either. But they knew I was there. Love was shared.
Chandra Mann says
February 28, 2018 at 7:25 pmMothers and sons. The rivers run deep. I’m sure having you near by, hearing your voice felt like home. God Bless you and your family. You are in our hearts and in our prayers.
love,
Chandra, Jonathan, Jackson & Dakota